Destruction of my "Faith"

Woke up at like 9 this morning, go figure. The neighbors fucking and their headboard hitting the wall didn't exactly help either. ANYWAY...

I finally changed my rotors, and I did some thinking this morning and made a realization. You got plenty of time to think about shit when you are no longer in a environment cultured to make you "forget" with alcohol, video games, etc. My faith used to be my nationality, being also my pride in the military; the state was my "religion" so to speak. I no longer have that pride in being an American and no longer "worship" the military. I thought about how I've talked to some people, who were raised in a religion and realized later that it didn't mean anything to them and abandoned it. I always wanted to ask some people what was the defining moment when they changed their minds; at the same time I want to ask people I know who have done the opposite and now define their lives by their religion. I can't pinpoint a single date or event that changed my "beliefs" but it occurred over the past couple years, basically as I opened my eye politically.

I grew up in all this shit and I have a never ending faith in it. These people were my examples, they were the standard of unwavering morality. There no political affiliation; I would have been too young to believe or agree with anything politically anyways. Over the years, I learned that the faith is a lie. It's been an excuse across all cultures, over all of history. I believed in these people so much, I wanted to be one of them and I was willing to die for those beliefs. I honestly thought they did the right thing, that they were unquestionable because of their uncompromising dedication to THE RIGHT THING. But I learned they are all lies; Nothing in this world is black and white.

So, here I am... Bitter as fuck. There is no better word to describe how I feel about that "religion" now; they took my system from me and now I have nothing. The only thing left is to vow to myself to never let THEM use. I compare it to the idea that you shouldn't meet your childhood hero. Well, it's a good thing that I did... Otherwise I'd be in the sandbox paying for it with my life. I really believe this is as close to a "faith" that I've had because of my own, prior, stubborn defense of it. I couldn't just let anyone question or insult it; I had too much pride. It's funny I bring up pride, because pride is a sin and I believe I understand what that means either because of this "religion" or because of factors that make my personality.

I'm far from an atheist, but real religion never had that hold of me like the "religion of the state." But the same time, what few beliefs I had and my prior "faith" went hand in hand. Real religion is something not something that I really explored. I've heard and seen plenty to turn me off of exploring that. I've heard how some people who participate in a system treat others that don't follow in line because they are not sheeple. It's a little different when you have two different faiths under one household, a little hard to swallow what someone speaks who defines their religion by the exclusion of others. Sad part is, this kind of attitude has elevated to a level that affects everyone on this planet. Turn on the boobtoob, and watch the Hour of Power for the sheeple of America; hear the gospel and "learn" about our "clash" of civilizations.

At the same time I've met people I have a lot of respect for because of their beliefs. I believe I also helped a good friend change his perspective on "unorthodox" views. As much as I don't have a strong attachment to some specific system of religion, I know that the little religion that I grew up with, has defined and always will define me.

I look back at some stuff I've done in the past, good things, but have no idea why I did them. I never got some sense of being whole or being fulfilled by those actions, and I knew that while I doing them. But I still kept doing it, because I just felt it was right. I did initially start doing things for somewhat of the wrong reason, to benefit myself professionally in order to serve in the "religion of the state", but I kept doing them after I realized it wasn't going to get me where I wanted to go. I did have fun while doing it, but I guess I feel like I should have walked away with some more sense of accomplishment. But part of that is wrong; you shouldn't do those things and expect something in return, and now I know that. I still have a tendency to do things now, and still feel disappointment. For whatever reason, that disappointment can't permanently get me down. All I can point at is my little faith.

I remember watching one of those specials about the USMC bootcamp, and how an officer described the experience of sucessful recruits as a "life defining moment." Now that I know what WON'T define my life, where does that leave me now?